Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after…

Quote by Chelsea Handler

Topics: Chelsea Handler Quotes

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a...

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a...

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the...

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the...

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it...

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it...

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a...

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a...

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people...

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people...

I went out with a guy who once told me I didnt need to drink...

I went out with a guy who once told me I didnt need to drink...

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you...

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you...

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This...

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This...

...some of the best sex I can barely remember.

...some of the best sex I can barely remember.

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. Its the first time an...

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. Its the first time an...

Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's...

Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's...

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many...

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many...

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices,...

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices,...

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound...

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound...

My father has a high opinion of his opinion.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I...

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I...

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' --...

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' --...

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good...

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good...

The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that...

The part that wasn't a jackpot was his baseball mound of red pubic hair that...

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet...

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet...