And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.

Quote by Jack Handy

Topics: Money Quotes

If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers...

If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers...

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the...

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the...

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you...

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you...

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I...

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I...

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because,...

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because,...

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the...

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I...

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I...

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder...

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder...

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his...

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his...

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,...

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,...

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed...

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: That guy sure owed...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because...

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because...

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you...

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,...

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much...

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much...

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of...

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of...

Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average...

Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average...

It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in...

It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in...

Anyone should be able to say on stage what they want. But those who have...

Anyone should be able to say on stage what they want. But those who have...