A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
Quote by Texas Guinan
A guy who'd cheat on his wife would cheat at cards.
My retirement plan is to find a shopping cart with good snow tires.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
The harvest of old age is the recollection and abundance of blessing previously secured.
At twenty years of age, the will reigns; at thirty, the wife; and at forty,...
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what...
Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come.
Where children are, there is the golden age.
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
The rain forest has Sting. Now Siberia has Jack Dee. Someone had to draw the...
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're...
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in...
The mind that is wise mourns less for what age takes away; than what it...
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill...
Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
I have to be careful to get out before I become the grotesque caricature of...
Even from a very early age, I knew I didn't want to miss out on...
Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumbass put my cape...
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if...
Like art and politics, gangsterism is a very important avenue of assimilation into society.