A 30-year mortgage at Michaels age essentially means that hes buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldnt hear the other dead people.

Quote by Dwight Schrute

Topics: Dwight Schrute Quotes

I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was...

I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was...

You know whats better than a triceratops. Only every other dinosaur that has ever existed.

You know whats better than a triceratops. Only every other dinosaur that has ever existed.

I dont care what Jim says, that is not Benjamin Franklin. I am 99% sure.

I dont care what Jim says, that is not Benjamin Franklin. I am 99% sure.

Yes I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma! in the 7th...

Yes I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma! in the 7th...

Before I do anything I ask myself Would an idiot do that? And if the...

Before I do anything I ask myself Would an idiot do that? And if the...

The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition wont...

The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition wont...

I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position...

I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position...

He was already dead, and we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat...

He was already dead, and we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat...

I am not a security threat, and my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.

I am not a security threat, and my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.

When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was...

When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was...

When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me...

When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me...

Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with...

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with...

As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing...

As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing...

Would I ever leave this company? Look, Im all about loyalty. In fact, I feel...

Would I ever leave this company? Look, Im all about loyalty. In fact, I feel...

I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake...

I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake...

I dont believe you, continue.

I dont believe you, continue.

I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions. And I did...

I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions. And I did...

My feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man.

My feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man.