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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll...

Every night, I have to read a book, so that my mind will stop thinking...

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Every night, I have to read a book, so that my mind will stop thinking...

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays...

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An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays...

Two things are infinite the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the...

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Two things are infinite the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the...

If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

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If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

House: No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece...

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House: No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece...

This woman I met last week says she wants a guy who is "funny and...

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This woman I met last week says she wants a guy who is

I prefer an interesting vice to a virtue that bores

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I prefer an interesting vice to a virtue that bores

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks, a woman loses hers after...

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A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks, a woman loses hers after...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

Smile, it confuses people!

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Smile, it confuses people!

On the 12th of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11...

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On the 12th of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11...

Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status....

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Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status....

If my Valentine you won't be, I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree.

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If my Valentine you won't be, I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree.

New Year's Day is every man's birthday.

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New Year's Day is every man's birthday.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

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I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.

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There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated: breast implants.

Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer I think. It's...

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Ahh, a little cancer never hurt anybody. Everybody needs a little cancer I think. It's...

Live beautifully and Dream passionately

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Live beautifully and Dream passionately

I know I was born and I know that I'll die; the in between is...

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I know I was born and I know that I'll die; the in between is...

I don't miss you, I miss the thought of what we were.

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I don't miss you, I miss the thought of what we were.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you...

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I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you...