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If you want to appear smarter, hang around someone stupider.

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If you want to appear smarter, hang around someone stupider.

If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If...

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If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If...

The more you do, the more mistakes you'll make

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The more you do, the more mistakes you'll make

If the guy's a cutie you've got to tap that booty.

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If the guy's a cutie you've got to tap that booty.

May the internet bring you comfort when your family goes insane this holiday season

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May the internet bring you comfort when your family goes insane this holiday season

If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

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If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart !...

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I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart !...

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at...

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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at...

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is...

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Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is...

Hate to see you leave but love to watch you go. Cause of your butt.

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Hate to see you leave but love to watch you go. Cause of your butt.

If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffe." "If you were my wife I'd...

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If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffe.

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

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In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

Genius is one percent inspiration, two percent perspiration, and ninety seven percent Tesla

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Genius is one percent inspiration, two percent perspiration, and ninety seven percent Tesla

If you wouldn't make her a wife. Then don't make her a mother.

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If you wouldn't make her a wife. Then don't make her a mother.

I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

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I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.

It's useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love,...

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It's useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love,...

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was pretty, I...

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If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was pretty, I...

The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11...

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The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11...

Play the moments, pause the memories, stop the pain, rewind the happiness

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Play the moments, pause the memories, stop the pain, rewind the happiness

I don't want to repeat my innocence. I want the pleasure of losing it again.

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I don't want to repeat my innocence. I want the pleasure of losing it again.