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Good news: The holidays are about family. Bad news: It has to be your own...

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Good news: The holidays are about family. Bad news: It has to be your own...

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.

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I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.

Love me, and I will move mountains to make you happy. Hurt me, and I'll...

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Love me, and I will move mountains to make you happy. Hurt me, and I'll...

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all...

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The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all...

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then...

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Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then...

A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step...

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Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step...

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where...

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The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where...

Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be...

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Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be...

Laughing at your own mistake can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s mistakes can...

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Laughing at your own mistake can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s mistakes can...

My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping...

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My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive multiple times and hoping...

I knew you would come, Santa! Hey, Santa, where's your big, round belly?

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I knew you would come, Santa! Hey, Santa, where's your big, round belly?

A jealous woman does better research that the FBI.

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A jealous woman does better research that the FBI.

I like nonsense it wakes up the brain cells

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I like nonsense it wakes up the brain cells

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless,...

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Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless,...

If you want to appear smarter, hang around someone stupider.

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If you want to appear smarter, hang around someone stupider.

Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity....

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Golden rule: I do not buy dinner to get yes. Dinner's a very intimate activity....

If my Valentine you won't be, I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree.

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If my Valentine you won't be, I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree.

Better to be strong than pretty and useless.

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Better to be strong than pretty and useless.

You're prettiest when you're happy

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You're prettiest when you're happy