The only war we ever had was the time we ran out of Mr Kipling cakes.

Quote by Jimmy Perry

Topics: Funny Quotes, Television Quotes

Someone introduce me to whoever invented Mornings. I will beat the shit out of them.

Someone introduce me to whoever invented Mornings. I will beat the shit out of them.

It is not the young people that degenerate; they are not spoiled till those of...

It is not the young people that degenerate; they are not spoiled till those of...

My next breakup line 'Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, you.'

My next breakup line 'Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, you.'

Age is only a number, a cipher for the records. A man can't retire his...

Age is only a number, a cipher for the records. A man can't retire his...

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

The execs don't care what color you are. They care about how much money you...

The execs don't care what color you are. They care about how much money you...

Did you ever see an unhappy horse? Did you ever see bird that had the...

Did you ever see an unhappy horse? Did you ever see bird that had the...

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember...

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember...

The rest of all the acts of Asa, and all his might, and all that...

The rest of all the acts of Asa, and all his might, and all that...

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

I don't exaggerate - I just remember big

I don't exaggerate - I just remember big

Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her

Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her

Santa Claus has the right idea. Only visit people once a year.

Santa Claus has the right idea. Only visit people once a year.

I knew when my career was over. In 1965, my baseball card came out with...

I knew when my career was over. In 1965, my baseball card came out with...

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy...

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy...

I have always felt that a woman has the right to treat the subject of...

I have always felt that a woman has the right to treat the subject of...

I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on...

I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on...

It came from nowhere, blazed up like a brush fire, pulled us together at the...

It came from nowhere, blazed up like a brush fire, pulled us together at the...

He who is created by television can be destroyed by television.

He who is created by television can be destroyed by television.