The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments.
Quote by Mad Magazine
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys...
It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang...
We are all geniuses up to the age of ten.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill...
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch.
I was in for 10 hours and had 40 pints - beating my previous record...
You don't know a women till you've met her in court.
Keep courage. Whatever you do, do not feel sorry for yourself. You will win in...
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one...
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a...
Cherish all your happy moments: they make a fine cushion for old age.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
The passions grafted on wounded pride are the most inveterate; they are green and vigorous...
Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that...
He that is poor, all his kindred scorn him, he that is rich all are...
CONSULTING: If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made...