I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Quote by Rita Rudner

Topics: Rita Rudner Quotes

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time...

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time...

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't...

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't...

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told...

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told...

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the...

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the...

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time...

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time...

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child....

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child....

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is:...

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is:...

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when...

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when...

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect...

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect...

Beer is good food

Beer is good food

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same...

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same...

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain...

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain...

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new...

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new...

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them...

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them...

A great artist can look at an old woman, portray her exactly as she is......

A great artist can look at an old woman, portray her exactly as she is......

I'm not a woman, I'm a force of nature.

I'm not a woman, I'm a force of nature.