I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk…

Quote by Chelsea Handler

Topics: Chelsea Handler Quotes

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I...

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I...

My father has a high opinion of his opinion.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion.

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the...

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the...

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound...

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound...

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a...

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a...

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I...

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I...

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last...

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last...

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you...

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you...

We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a...

We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a...

Men dont realize that if were sleeping with them on the first date, were probably...

Men dont realize that if were sleeping with them on the first date, were probably...

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I...

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I...

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a...

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a...

...some of the best sex I can barely remember.

...some of the best sex I can barely remember.

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people...

There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people...

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it...

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it...

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices,...

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices,...

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' --...

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' --...

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet...

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet...

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls,...

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls,...

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good...

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good...