I always wait for the Times each morning. I look at the obituary column and if Iï¿½m not in it, I go to work.

Quote by AEMatthew

Topics: Funny Quotes, Life Quotes

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is...

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is...

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the...

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the...

Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.

Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's...

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's...

Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others...

Sometimes at home I talk in my sleep, but at school I sleep while others...

For my high colestorol my doctor prescribed me a boyfriend.

For my high colestorol my doctor prescribed me a boyfriend.

The writer is the Faust of modern society, the only surviving individualist in a mass...

The writer is the Faust of modern society, the only surviving individualist in a mass...

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,...

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,...

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

My mom told me to follow my dreams, so I took a nap.

My mom told me to follow my dreams, so I took a nap.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

When I make a mistake, I'm an idiot. When my boss makes a mistake, hey!...

When I make a mistake, I'm an idiot. When my boss makes a mistake, hey!...

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

when life gives you lemons make orange juice and leave them wondering how you did...

when life gives you lemons make orange juice and leave them wondering how you did...

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries,...

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries,...

Warning: Humor may be hazardous to your illness...

Warning: Humor may be hazardous to your illness...

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Solitude is such a potential thing. We hear voices in solitude, we never hear in...

Solitude is such a potential thing. We hear voices in solitude, we never hear in...

To be able to enjoy one's past life is to live twice.

To be able to enjoy one's past life is to live twice.