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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

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Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?

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You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?

Always keep your beautiful imagination & exquisite humor

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Always keep your beautiful imagination & exquisite humor

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve...

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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve...

Reality continues to ruin my life

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Reality continues to ruin my life

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

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What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

I love mankind, it's people I can't stand

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I love mankind, it's people I can't stand

A lesson taught with humor is a lesson retained.

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A lesson taught with humor is a lesson retained.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A...

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When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A...

If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging,...

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If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging,...

Humor is reason gone mad.

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Humor is reason gone mad.

You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

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You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.

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Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

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There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and...

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Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and...

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you...

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When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you...

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on...

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When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on...

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...

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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone...