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Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

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Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

Cigarettes are better than girls - both of them burn your heart, at least the...

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Cigarettes are better than girls - both of them burn your heart, at least the...

House: No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece...

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House: No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece...

Dear Santa, if you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you...

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Dear Santa, if you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you...

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same

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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same

A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

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A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

When life knocks you down, roll over, and look at the stars.

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When life knocks you down, roll over, and look at the stars.

I'm trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron

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I'm trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron

A well tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men

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A well tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men

Im great in bed, I can sleep for days.

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Im great in bed, I can sleep for days.

If the guy's a cutie you've got to tap that booty.

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If the guy's a cutie you've got to tap that booty.

A good man can feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world... oh...

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A good man can feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world... oh...

Murphy's Law : Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself

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Murphy's Law : Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a...

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Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a...

I prefer an interesting vice to a virtue that bores

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I prefer an interesting vice to a virtue that bores

You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

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You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

Christmas is not the time for regrets. That's what anniversaries are for.

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Christmas is not the time for regrets. That's what anniversaries are for.

Joy, you have to start drinking again. Like life, you are very hard to take...

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Joy, you have to start drinking again. Like life, you are very hard to take...

God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, But I know...

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God, it's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, But I know...

If you keep good food in your fridge, you will eat good food.

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If you keep good food in your fridge, you will eat good food.

A pretty face will always grow old. A nice body will always change with age....

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A pretty face will always grow old. A nice body will always change with age....

A few simple tips: Don’t promise when you’re happy, don’t reply when you’re angry, and...

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A few simple tips: Don’t promise when you’re happy, don’t reply when you’re angry, and...

I have come to realize that you don't need to explain yourself in certain circumstances....

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I have come to realize that you don't need to explain yourself in certain circumstances....