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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to...

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to...

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with...

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Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with...

When you become senile, you won't know it.

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When you become senile, you won't know it.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything,...

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything,...

The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the...

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A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the...

The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly...

The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly...

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell...

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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell...

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back...

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Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back...

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all...

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all...

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love,...

I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love,...

My boyfriend used to ask his mother, 'How can I find the right woman for...

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My boyfriend used to ask his mother, 'How can I find the right woman for...

I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they...

I'm not sure if my parents had me because they loved me, or because they...

Parents are not quite interested in justice, they are interested in quiet.

Parents are not quite interested in justice, they are interested in quiet.

Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.

Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its...

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its...