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Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to...

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to...

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything,...

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything,...

The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the...

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A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the...

The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly...

The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly...

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell...

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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell...

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back...

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Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back...

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with...

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Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with...

When you become senile, you won't know it.

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When you become senile, you won't know it.

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its...

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its...

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think...

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think...

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of...

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of...

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we...

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we...

Anyone should be able to say on stage what they want. But those who have...

Anyone should be able to say on stage what they want. But those who have...

The childless experts on child raising also bring tears of laughter to my eyes when...

The childless experts on child raising also bring tears of laughter to my eyes when...

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all...

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all...