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Oh I offended you with my opinion?! You should hear the ones I keep to...

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Oh I offended you with my opinion?! You should hear the ones I keep to...

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

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Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal and a good woman or a bad woman....

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known,...

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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known,...

You never know what you have until you clean your room

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You never know what you have until you clean your room

Valentine's Day is coming up ? Oh Crap!- I forgot to get a girlfriend again.

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Valentine's Day is coming up ? Oh Crap!- I forgot to get a girlfriend again.

The only reason Debra keeps me alive it to open jars and kill bugs.

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The only reason Debra keeps me alive it to open jars and kill bugs.

He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've...

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He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've...

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. No one showed...

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When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. No one showed...

A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

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A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with...

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Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with...

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless,...

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Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless,...

Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be...

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Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be...

On the 12th of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11...

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On the 12th of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11...

I knew you would come, Santa! Hey, Santa, where's your big, round belly?

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I knew you would come, Santa! Hey, Santa, where's your big, round belly?

Two things are infinite the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the...

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Two things are infinite the universe and human stupidity and I'm not sure about the...

Okay, we took off our clothes, I got on top of you.. How long 'til...

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Okay, we took off our clothes, I got on top of you.. How long 'til...

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

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When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Joy, you have to start drinking again. Like life, you are very hard to take...

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Joy, you have to start drinking again. Like life, you are very hard to take...

A woman’s loyality is tested when her man has nothing. A man's loyality is tested...

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A woman’s loyality is tested when her man has nothing. A man's loyality is tested...

A real man never stops trying to show a girl that he cares about her...

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A real man never stops trying to show a girl that he cares about her...

Quiet people have the loudest mind

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Quiet people have the loudest mind

Science is a way of thinking much more than it is a body of knowledge

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Science is a way of thinking much more than it is a body of knowledge

A woman should wear perfume wherever she wants to be kissed.

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A woman should wear perfume wherever she wants to be kissed.