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Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you...

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Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you...

What I feel like when I stop at a red light next to the ladies......

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What I feel like when I stop at a red light next to the ladies......

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

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A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

Good news: The holidays are about family. Bad news: It has to be your own...

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Good news: The holidays are about family. Bad news: It has to be your own...

Love is a blind whore with mental disease and no sense of humor

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Love is a blind whore with mental disease and no sense of humor

You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

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You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

I wish life was a remote. Play the easy times. Pause the good times. Fast...

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I wish life was a remote. Play the easy times. Pause the good times. Fast...

When someone asks me to borrow a book, at first I'm happy they want to...

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When someone asks me to borrow a book, at first I'm happy they want to...

When life knocks you down, roll over, and look at the stars.

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When life knocks you down, roll over, and look at the stars.

What I think when someone uses the computer What the hell are you doing Why...

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What I think when someone uses the computer What the hell are you doing Why...

Gravity is not responsible for people falling in love.

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Gravity is not responsible for people falling in love.

We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance

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We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance

If my Valentine you won't be, I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree.

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If my Valentine you won't be, I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree.

If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

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If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

Dear kids of all ages, Santa is coming after a short break

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Dear kids of all ages, Santa is coming after a short break

A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

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A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to the their level and...

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Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to the their level and...

If the guy's a cutie you've got to tap that booty.

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If the guy's a cutie you've got to tap that booty.

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....

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In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland....