I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes…

Quote by Tim Vine

Topics: Tim Vine Quotes

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have...

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have...

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in...

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in...

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said...

So I went to the dentist. He said Say Aaah. I said Why? He said...

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming...

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming...

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people...

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people...

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang...

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang...

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with...

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with...

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in...

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people...

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm...

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm...

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was...

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was...

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing...

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing...

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Does history support a belief in God? If by God we mean not the creative...

Does history support a belief in God? If by God we mean not the creative...

Read not to contradict and confute, nor to believe and take for granted, but to...

Read not to contradict and confute, nor to believe and take for granted, but to...

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.