Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Quote by Ray Romano

Topics: Funny Quotes, Sleep Quotes

You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want...

You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want...

People are going to see both of us and think it's an Abbott and Costello...

People are going to see both of us and think it's an Abbott and Costello...

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean...

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean...

I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed...

I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed...

If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing...

If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing...

I love standup and I haven't given it up.

I love standup and I haven't given it up.

I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to...

I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to...

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are...

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are...

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to...

I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to...

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own...

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own...

My bed is a time machine. I lay down for 5 minutes and the next...

My bed is a time machine. I lay down for 5 minutes and the next...

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Poor David Hume is dying fast, but with more real cheerfulness and good humor and...

Poor David Hume is dying fast, but with more real cheerfulness and good humor and...

A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep...

A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep...

What restrains us from killing is partly fear of punishment, partly moral scruple, and partly...

What restrains us from killing is partly fear of punishment, partly moral scruple, and partly...

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.

But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our...

But we are at war, and we here at THE DAILY SHOW will do our...

There are psychological repercussions to illness and we need a little more help to get...

There are psychological repercussions to illness and we need a little more help to get...

I think humor is a very serious thing. I use it as a way of...

I think humor is a very serious thing. I use it as a way of...