I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

Quote by Billy Connolly

Topics: Billy Connolly Quotes

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America...

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America...

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture...

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture...

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of...

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of...

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was...

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was...

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply...

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply...

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a...

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a...

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a...

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a...

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those...

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those...

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly...

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly...

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on...

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on...

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?...

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares?...

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did...

Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did...

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

The people who marry make a good marriage not marriage in itself.

The people who marry make a good marriage not marriage in itself.

I'm just afraid I'm gonna miss it all... being married... being a mother.

I'm just afraid I'm gonna miss it all... being married... being a mother.