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I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack...

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack...

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller',...

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller',...

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.

Catholics are necessarily at war with this age. That we are not more conscious of...

Catholics are necessarily at war with this age. That we are not more conscious of...

They used to shoot her through gauze. You should shoot me through linoleum.

They used to shoot her through gauze. You should shoot me through linoleum.

The golden age is before us, not behind us.

The golden age is before us, not behind us.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from...

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from...

Sound, sound the clarion, fill the fife, Throughout the sensual world proclaim, One crowded hour...

Sound, sound the clarion, fill the fife, Throughout the sensual world proclaim, One crowded hour...

Age is the most terrible misfortune that can happen to any man; other evils will...

Age is the most terrible misfortune that can happen to any man; other evils will...

I'm affectionately known by Elton John as either Sylvia Disc or the Bionic Christian.

I'm affectionately known by Elton John as either Sylvia Disc or the Bionic Christian.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog...

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog...

If youth but had the knowledge and old age the strength.

If youth but had the knowledge and old age the strength.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

Were going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Were going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke...

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke...

Of course, it's very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to...

Of course, it's very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to...

Kid to his Dad as they watch TV: Dad, tell me again how when you...

Kid to his Dad as they watch TV: Dad, tell me again how when you...

One can always tell it's summer when one sees school teachers hanging about the streets...

One can always tell it's summer when one sees school teachers hanging about the streets...

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.