Hey, Mother! I come bearing a gift. Ill give you a hint: its in my diaper, and its not a toaster. -Stewie Griffin

Quote by Family Guy

Topics: Family Guy Quotes

When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles...

When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles...

Lois: Good, I dont have to cook. Peter: Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway,...

Lois: Good, I dont have to cook. Peter: Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway,...

I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes!...

I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes!...

Peter: Cant we tell them that your mother died? Lois: Peter, Im not gonna lie...

Peter: Cant we tell them that your mother died? Lois: Peter, Im not gonna lie...

Police blotter: We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main. Three wounded, one dead....

Police blotter: We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main. Three wounded, one dead....

Tonight theres a new reality show on Fox: Fast Animals, Slow Children. -Peter Griffin

Tonight theres a new reality show on Fox: Fast Animals, Slow Children. -Peter Griffin

Chris: Hey, little dude, you want some ice cream? Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For...

Chris: Hey, little dude, you want some ice cream? Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For...

I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, Lois. Youre my silver...

I had such a crush on her. Until I met you, Lois. Youre my silver...

Lois: Peter, why would they make you president? Peter: Maybe its because I can recite...

Lois: Peter, why would they make you president? Peter: Maybe its because I can recite...

Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

Brian Griffin: Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE...

Brian Griffin: Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE...

Dear diary: Jackpot. -Glen Quagmire

Dear diary: Jackpot. -Glen Quagmire

It doesn't matter if you're black or white... the only color that really matters is...

It doesn't matter if you're black or white... the only color that really matters is...

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, theres a message in my Alphabits. It says, Oooooo. Brian:...

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, theres a message in my Alphabits. It says, Oooooo. Brian:...

Dear McGyver: Enclosed is a paper clip, a rubber band, and a drinking straw. Please...

Dear McGyver: Enclosed is a paper clip, a rubber band, and a drinking straw. Please...

Theres always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and its not so...

Theres always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and its not so...

I will not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans! You shall rue this...

I will not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans! You shall rue this...

I think the lesson here is, it really doesnt matter where youre from, as long...

I think the lesson here is, it really doesnt matter where youre from, as long...

Quagmire: Hey there, Gorgeous, how old are you? Connie: Sixteen. Quagmire: Eighteen? Connie: Mom! Quagmire:...

Quagmire: Hey there, Gorgeous, how old are you? Connie: Sixteen. Quagmire: Eighteen? Connie: Mom! Quagmire:...

Stewie: What the hell is this? Lois: Sweetie, thats tuna salad. Stewie: Oh, is that...

Stewie: What the hell is this? Lois: Sweetie, thats tuna salad. Stewie: Oh, is that...