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The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked...

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked...

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming...

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming...

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you...

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you...

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they...

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they...

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in...

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in...

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip...

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip...

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you...

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you...

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a...

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a...

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year...

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year...

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little...

The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little...

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not...

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not...

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family...

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family...

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year...

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year...

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just...

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just...

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't...

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't...

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.