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Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you...

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Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you...

Every night, I have to read a book, so that my mind will stop thinking...

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Every night, I have to read a book, so that my mind will stop thinking...

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

May the internet bring you comfort when your family goes insane this holiday season

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May the internet bring you comfort when your family goes insane this holiday season

When someone asks me to borrow a book, at first I'm happy they want to...

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When someone asks me to borrow a book, at first I'm happy they want to...

I'm trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron

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I'm trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron

If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

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If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion.

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start...

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Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start...

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex she objects.

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My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex she objects.

He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house.

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He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays...

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An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays...

Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step...

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Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step...

If the guy's a cutie you've got to tap that booty.

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If the guy's a cutie you've got to tap that booty.

What I feel like when I stop at a red light next to the ladies......

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What I feel like when I stop at a red light next to the ladies......

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that...

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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that...

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known,...

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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known,...

I don't care what people think of me. At least mosquitos find me attractive.

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I don't care what people think of me. At least mosquitos find me attractive.

I rise at six and then I feed the chicks , And I'm feeling lonesome...

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I rise at six and then I feed the chicks , And I'm feeling lonesome...

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and...

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Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and...

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

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Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

To live happily is an inward power of the soul

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To live happily is an inward power of the soul

Never underestimate the capacity of other people to let you down.

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Never underestimate the capacity of other people to let you down.