Steven Wright quotes

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

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My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know… (read more)
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over… (read more)

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How young can you die of old age?
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.